Five days later, all had heard that he was ill and that his life was in danger.The nature of his illness I can't explain; they said it was an affection of the heart.But it became known that the doctors had been induced by his wife to investigate his mental condition also, and had come to the conclusion that it was a case of insanity.Ibetrayed nothing, though people ran to question me.But when Iwanted to visit him, I was for a long while forbidden to do so, above all by his wife.
"It's you who have caused his illness," she said to me; "he was always gloomy, but for the last year people noticed that he was peculiarly excited and did strange things, and now you have been the ruin of him.Your preaching has brought him to this; for the last month he was always with you."Indeed, not only his wife but the whole town were down upon me and blamed me."It's all your doing," they said.I was silent and indeed rejoiced at heart, for I saw plainly God's mercy to the man who had turned against himself and punished himself.I could not believe in his insanity.
They let me see him at last.he insisted upon saying good-bye to me.I went in to him and saw at once, that not only his days, but his hours were numbered.He was weak, yellow, his hands trembled, he gasped for breath, but his face was full of tender and happy feeling.
"It is done!" he said."I've long been yearning to see you.Why didn't you come?"I did not tell him that they would not let me see him.
"God has had pity on me and is calling me to Himself.I know Iam dying, but I feel joy and peace for the first time after so many years.There was heaven in my heart from the moment I had done what I had to do.Now I dare to love my children and to kiss them.
Neither my wife nor the judges, nor anyone has believed it.My children will never believe it either.I see in that God's mercy to them.I shall die, and my name will be without a stain for them.And now I feel God near, my heart rejoices as in Heaven...I have done my duty."He could not speak, he gasped for breath, he pressed my hand warmly, looking fervently at me.We did not talk for long, his wife kept peeping in at us.But he had time to whisper to me:
"Do you remember how I came back to you that second time, at midnight? I told you to remember it.You know what I came back for?
I came to kill you!"
I started.
"I went out from you then into the darkness, I wandered about the streets, struggling with myself.And suddenly I hated you so that I could hardly bear it.Now, I thought, he is all that binds me, and he is my judge.I can't refuse to face my punishment to-morrow, for he knows all.It was not that I was afraid you would betray me (I never even thought of that), but I thought, 'How can Ilook him in the face if I don't confess?' And if you had been at the other end of the earth, but alive, it would have been all the same, the thought was unendurable that you were alive knowing everything and condemning me.I hated you as though you were the cause, as though you were to blame for everything.I came back to you then, remembering that you had a dagger lying on your table.I sat down and asked you to sit down, and for a whole minute I pondered.If I had killed you, Ishould have been ruined by that murder even if I had not confessed the other.But I didn't think about that at all, and I didn't want to think of it at that moment.I only hated you and longed to revenge myself on you for everything.The Lord vanquished the devil in my heart.But let me tell you, you were never nearer death."A week later he died.The whole town followed him to the grave.
The chief priest made a speech full of feeling.All lamented the terrible illness that had cut short his days.But all the town was up in arms against me after the funeral, and people even refused to see me.Some, at first a few and afterwards more, began indeed to believe in the truth of his story, and they visited me and questioned me with great interest and eagerness, for man loves to see the downfall and disgrace of the righteous.But I held my tongue, and very shortly after, I left the town, and five months later by God's grace I entered the safe and blessed path, praising the unseen finger which had guided me so clearly to it.But I remember in my prayer to this day, the servant of God, Mihail, who suffered so greatly.
Chapter 3
Conversations and Exhortations of Father Zossima(e) The Russian Monk and his possible Significance.
FATHERS and teachers, what is the monk? In the cultivated world the word is nowadays pronounced by some people with a jeer, and by others it is used as a term of abuse, and this contempt for the monk is growing.It is true, alas, it is true, that there are many sluggards, gluttons, profligates, and insolent beggars among monks.
Educated people point to these: "You are idlers, useless members of society, you live on the labour of others, you are shameless beggars."And yet how many meek and humble monks there are, yearning for solitude and fervent prayer in peace! These are less noticed, or passed over in silence.And how suprised men would be if I were to say that from these meek monks, who yearn for solitary prayer, the salvation of Russia will come perhaps once more! For they are in truth made ready in peace and quiet "for the day and the hour, the month and the year." Meanwhile, in their solitude, they keep the image of Christ fair and undefiled, in the purity of God's truth, from the times of the Fathers of old, the Apostles and the martyrs.And when the time comes they will show it to the tottering creeds of the world.That is a great thought.That star will rise out of the East.
That is my view of the monk, and is it false? Is it too proud?