Enter MARIA and Clown MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
Exit Clown Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA SIR TOBY BELCH Jove bless thee, master Parson. Clown Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;' so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'? SIR TOBY BELCH To him, Sir Topas. Clown What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! SIR TOBY BELCH The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. MALVOLIO [Within] Who calls there? Clown Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. Clown Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies? SIR TOBY BELCH Well said, Master Parson. MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness. Clown Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark? MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas. Clown Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction? MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark. Clown Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. MALVOLIO I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question. Clown What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. Clown What thinkest thou of his opinion? MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. Clown Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas! SIR TOBY BELCH My most exquisite Sir Topas! Clown Nay, I am for all waters. MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not. SIR TOBY BELCH To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA Clown [Singing]
'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.' MALVOLIO Fool! Clown 'My lady is unkind, perdy.' MALVOLIO Fool! Clown 'Alas, why is she so?' MALVOLIO Fool, I say! Clown 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha? MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't. Clown Master Malvolio? MALVOLIO Ay, good fool. Clown Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? MALVOLIO Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. Clown But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. MALVOLIO They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits. Clown Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble. MALVOLIO Sir Topas! Clown Maintain no words with him, good fellow.
Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will. MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say! Clown Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir?
I am shent for speaking to you. MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. Clown Well-a-day that you were, sir MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. Clown I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true. Clown Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. MALVOLIO Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone. Clown [Singing]
I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I'll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath, Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
Like a mad lad, Pare thy nails, dad;
Adieu, good man devil.