"Get up!" commanded Watson."If you are a gentleman, get up--that's what Patsy told me, you know."Judge Witberg declined to rise, and was dragged to his feet by the coat-collar, only to have one eye blacked and be put on his back again.After that it was a red Indian massacre.Judge Witberg was humanely and scientifically beaten up.His checks were boxed, his cars cuffed, and his face was rubbed in the turf.And all the time Watson exposited the way Patsy Horan had done it.Occasionally, and very carefully, the facetious sociologist administered a real bruising blow.Once, dragging the poor Judge to his feet, he deliberately bumped his own nose on the gentleman's head.The nose promptly bled.
"See that!" cried Watson, stepping back and deftly shedding his blood all down his own shirt front."You did it.With your fist you did it.It is awful.I am fair murdered.I must again defend myself."And once more Judge Witberg impacted his features on a fist and was sent to grass.
"I will have you arrested," he sobbed as he lay.
"That's what Patsy said."
"A brutal---sniff, sniff,--and unprovoked--sniff, sniff--assault."
"That's what Patsy said."
"I will surely have you arrested."
"Speaking slangily, not if I can beat you to it."And with that, Carter Watson departed down the canyon, mounted his horse, and rode to town.
An hour later, as Judge Witberg limped up the grounds to his hotel, he was arrested by a village constable on a charge of assault and battery preferred by Carter Watson.
V
"Your Honor," Watson said next day to the village Justice, a well to do farmer and graduate, thirty years before, from a cow college, "since this Sol Witberg has seen fit to charge me with battery, following upon my charge of battery against him, Iwould suggest that both cases be lumped together.The testimony and the facts are the same in both cases."To this the Justice agreed, and the double case proceeded.
Watson, as prosecuting witness, first took the stand and told his story.
"I was picking flowers," he testified."Picking flowers on my own land, never dreaming of danger.Suddenly this man rushed upon me from behind the trees.'I am the Dodo,' he says, 'and Ican do you to a frazzle.Put up your hands.' I smiled, but with that, biff, biff, he struck me, knocking me down and spilling my flowers.The language he used was frightful.It was an unprovoked and brutal assault.Look at my cheek.Look at my nose--I could not understand it.He must have been drunk.
Before I recovered from my surprise he had administered this beating.I was in danger of my life and was compelled to defend himself.That is all, Your Honor, though I must say, in conclusion, that I cannot get over my perplexity.Why did he say he was the Dodo? Why did he so wantonly attack me?"And thus was Sol Witberg given a liberal education in the art of perjury.Often, from his high seat, he had listened indulgently to police court perjuries in cooked-up cases; but for the first time perjury was directed against him, and he no longer sat above the court, with the bailiffs, the Policemen's clubs, and the prison cells behind him.
"Your Honor," he cried, "never have I heard such a pack of lies told by so bare-faced a liar--!'
Watson here sprang to his feet.
"Your Honor, I protest.It is for your Honor to decide truth or falsehood.The witness is on the stand to testify to actual events that have transpired.His personal opinion upon things in general, and upon me, has no bearing on the case whatever."The Justice scratched his head and waxed phlegmatically indignant.