It will naturally be conceived that the resolution I had taken, and the system I wished to follow, were not agreeable to Madam le Vasseur.All the disinterestedness of the daughter did not prevent her from following the directions of her mother; and the governesses, as Gauffecourt called them, were not always so steady in their refusals as I was.Although many things were concealed from me, I perceived so many as were necessary to enable me to judge that I did not see all, and this tormented me less by the accusation of connivance, which it was so easy for me to foresee, than by the cruel idea of never being master in my own apartments, nor even of my own person.Iprayed, conjured, and became angry, all to no purpose; the mother made me pass for an eternal grumbler, and a man who was peevish and ungovernable.She held perpetual whisperings with my friends;everything in my little family was mysterious and a secret to me; and, that I might not incessantly expose myself to noisy quarreling, I no longer dared to take notice of what passed in it.A firmness of which I was not capable, would have been necessary to withdraw me from this domestic strife.I knew how to complain, but not how to act: they suffered me to say what I pleased, and continued to act as they thought proper.
This constant teasing, and the daily importunities to which I was subject, rendered the house, and my residence at Paris, disagreeable to me.When my indisposition permitted me to go out, and I did not suffer myself to be led by my acquaintance first to one place and then to another, I took a walk, alone, and reflected on my grand system, something of which I committed to paper, bound up between two covers, which, with a pencil, I always had in my pocket.In this manner, the unforeseen disagreeableness of a situation I had chosen entirely led me back to literature, to which unsuspectedly I had recourse as a means of relieving my mind, and thus, in the first works I wrote, I introduced the peevishness and ill-humor which were the cause of my undertaking them.There was another circumstance which contributed not a little to this: thrown into the world in despite of myself, without having the manners of it, or being in a situation to adopt and conform myself to them, I took it into my head to adopt others of my own, to enable me to dispense with those of society.My foolish timidity, which I could not conquer, having for principle the fear of being wanting in the common forms, I took, by way of encouraging myself, a resolution to tread them under foot.I became sour and a cynic from shame, and affected to despise the politeness which I knew not how to practice.This austerity, conformable to my new principles, I must confess, seemed to ennoble itself in my mind;it assumed in my eyes the form of the intrepidity of virtue, and Idare assert it to be upon this noble basis, that it supported itself longer and better than could have been expected from anything so contrary to my nature.Yet, notwithstanding, I had, the name of a misanthrope, which my exterior appearance and some happy expressions had given me in the world: it is certain I did not support the character well in private, that my friends and acquaintance led this untractable bear about like a lamb, and that, confining my sarcasms to severe but general truths, I was never capable of saying an uncivil thing to any person whatsoever.
The Devin du Village brought me completely into vogue, and presently after there was not a man in Paris whose company was more sought after than mine.The history of this piece, which is a kind of era in my life, is joined with that of the connections I had at that time.Imust enter a little into particulars to make what is to follow the better understood.
I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends: Diderot and Grimm.By an effect of the desire I have ever felt to unite everything that is dear to me, I was too much a friend to both not to make them shortly become so to each other.I connected them: they agreed well together, and shortly became more intimate with each other than with me.Diderot had a numerous acquaintance, but Grimm, a stranger and a new-comer, had his to procure, and with the greatest pleasure I procured him all I could.I had already given him Diderot.I afterwards brought him acquainted with Gauffecourt.Iintroduced him to Madam Chenonceaux, Madam D'Epinay, and the Baron d'Holbach; with whom I had become connected almost in spite of myself.
All my friends became his: this was natural: but not one of his ever became mine; which was inclining to the contrary.Whilst he yet lodged at the house of the Comte de Friese, he frequently gave us dinners in his apartment, but I never received the least mark of friendship from the Comte de Friese, Comte de Schomberg, his relation, very familiar with Grimm, nor from any other person, man or woman, with whom Grimm, by their means, had any connection.I except the Abbe Raynal, who, although his friend, gave proofs of his being mine;and, in cases of need, offered me his purse with a generosity not very common.But I knew the Abbe Raynal long before Grimm had any acquaintance with him, and had entertained a great regard for him on account of his delicate and honorable behavior to me upon a slight occasion, which I shall never forget.
The Abbe Raynal is certainly a warm friend; of this I saw a proof, much about the time of which I speak, with respect to Grimm himself, with whom he was very intimate.Grimm, after having been some time on a footing of friendship with Mademoiselle Fel, fell violently in love with her, and wished to supplant Cahusac.The young lady, piquing herself on her constancy, refused her new admirer.He took this so much to heart, that the appearances of his affliction became tragical.