I made my first essay on the Perpetual Peace, the greatest and most elaborate of all the works which composed the collection; and before I abandoned myself to my reflections I had the courage to read everything the abbe had written upon this fine subject, without once suffering myself to be disgusted either by his slowness or repetitions.The public has seen the extract, on which account Ihave nothing to say upon the subject.My opinion of it has been printed, nor do I know that it ever will be; however, it was written at the same time the extract was made.From this I passed to the Polysynodie, or Plurality of Councils; a work written under the regent to favor the administration he had chosen, and which caused the Abbe de Saint Pierre to be expelled from the academy, on account of some remarks unfavorable to the preceding administration, and with which the Duchess of Maine and the Cardinal de Polignac were displeased.Icompleted this work as I did the former, with an extract and remarks; but I stopped here without intending to continue the undertaking which I ought never to have begun.
The reflection which induced me to give it up naturally presents itself, and it was astonishing I had not made it sooner.Most of the writings of the Abbe de Saint Pierre were either observations, or contained observations, on some parts of the government of France, and several of these were of so free a nature, that it was happy for him he had made them with impunity.But in the offices of all the ministers of state the Abbe de Saint Pierre had ever been considered as a kind of preacher rather than a real politician, and he was suffered to say what he pleased, because it appeared that nobody listened to him.Had I procured him readers the case would have been different.He was a Frenchman, and I was not one; and by repeating his censures, although in his own name.I exposed myself to be asked, rather rudely, but without injustice, what it was with which Imeddled.Happily before I proceeded any further, I perceived the hold I was about to give the government against me, and Iimmediately withdrew.I knew that, living alone in the midst of men more powerful than myself, I never could by any means whatever be sheltered from the injury they chose to do me.There was but one thing which depended upon my own efforts: this was, to observe such a line of conduct that whenever they chose to make me feel the weight of authority they could not do it without being unjust.The maxim which induced me to decline proceeding with the works of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, has frequently made me give up projects I had much more at heart.People who are always ready to construe adversity into a crime, would be much surprised were they to know the pains I have taken, that during my misfortunes it might never with truth be said of me, Thou hast well deserved them.
After having given up the manuscript, I remained some time without determining upon the work which should succeed it, and this interval of inactivity was destructive, by permitting me to turn my reflections on myself, for want of another object to engage my attention.I had no project for the future which could amuse my imagination.It was not even possible to form any, as my situation was precisely that in which all my desires were united.I had not another to conceive, and yet there was a void in my heart.This state was the more cruel, as Isaw no other that was to be preferred to it.I had fixed my most tender affections upon a person who made me a return of her own.Ilived with her without constraint, and, so to speak, at discretion.
Notwithstanding this, a secret grief of mind never quitted me for a moment, either when she was present or absent.In possessing Theresa, I still perceived she wanted something to her happiness;and the sole idea of my not being everything to her had such an effect upon my mind that she was next to nothing to me.
I had friends of both ***es, to whom I was attached by the purest friendship and most perfect esteem; I depended upon a real return on their part, and a doubt of their sincerity never entered my mind;yet this friendship was more tormenting than agreeable to me, by their obstinate perseverance, and even by their affectation, in opposing my taste, inclinations, and manner of living; and this to such a degree, that the moment I seemed to desire a thing which interested myself only, and depended not upon them, they immediately joined their efforts to oblige me to renounce it.This continued desire to control me in all my wishes, the more unjust, as I did not so much as make myself acquainted with theirs, became so cruelly oppressive, that I never received one of their letters without feeling a certain terror as I opened it, and which was but too well justified by the contents.I thought being treated like a child by persons younger than myself, and who, of themselves, stood in great need of the advice they so prodigally bestowed on me was too much: "Love me," said I to them, "as I love you, but, in every other respect, let my affairs be as indifferent to you, as yours are to me: this is all I ask." If they granted me one of these two requests, it was not the latter.
I had a retired residence in a charming solitude, was master of my own house, and could live in it in the manner I thought proper, without being controlled by any person.This habitation imposed on me duties agreeable to discharge, but which were indispensable.My liberty was precarious.In a greater state of subjection than a person at the command of another, it was my duty to be so by inclination.