I was so taken up with my passion, that, seeing nothing but Sophia (one of the names of Madam.d'Houdetot), I did not perceive that I was become the laughing stock of the whole house, and all those who came to it.The Baron d'Holbach, who never, as I heard of, had been at the Chevrette, was one of the latter.Had I at that time been as mistrusful as I am since become, I should strongly have suspected Madam d'Epinay to have contrived this journey to give the baron the amusing spectacle of the amorous citizen.But I was then so stupid that I saw not that even which was glaring to everybody.My stupidity did not, however, prevent me from finding in the baron a more jovial and satisfied appearance than ordinary.instead of looking upon me with his usual moroseness, he said to me a hundred jocose things without my knowing what he meant.Surprise was painted in my countenance, but I answered not a word: Madam d'Epinay shook her sides with laughing; I knew not what possessed them.As nothing yet passed the bounds of pleasantry, the best thing I could have done, had I been in the secret, would have been to have humored the joke.It is true, Iperceived amid the rallying gayety of the baron, that his eyes sparkled with a malicious joy, which could have given me pain had Ithen remarked it to the degree it has since occurred to my recollection.
One day when I went to see Madam d'Houdetot, at Eaubonne, after her return from one of her journeys to Paris, I found her melancholy, and observed that she had been weeping.I was obliged to put a restraint on myself, because Madam de Blainville, sister to her husband, was present; but the moment I found an opportunity, Iexpressed to her my uneasiness."Ah," said she, with a sigh, "I am much afraid your follies will cost me the repose of the rest of my days.St.Lambert has been informed of what has passed, and ill informed of it.He does me justice, but he is vexed; and what is still worse, he conceals from me a part of his vexation.Fortunately Ihave not concealed from him anything relative to our connection which was formed under his auspices.My letters, like my heart, were full of yourself; I made him acquainted with everything, except your extravagant passion, of which I hoped to cure you, and which he imputes to me as a crime.Somebody has done us ill offices.I have been injured, but what does this signify? Either let us entirely break with each other, or do you be what you ought to be.I will not in future have anything to conceal from my lover."This was the first moment in which I was sensible of the shame of feeling myself humbled by the sentiment of my fault, in presence of a young woman of whose just reproaches I approved, and to whom I ought to have been a mentor.The indignation I felt against myself would, perhaps, have been sufficient to overcome my weakness, had not the tender passion inspired me by the victim of it again softened my heart.Alas! was this a moment to harden it when it was overflowed by the tears which penetrated it in every part? This tenderness was soon changed into rage against the vile informers, who had seen nothing but the evil of a criminal but involuntary sentiment, without believing or even imagining the sincere uprightness of heart by which it was counteracted.We did not remain long in doubt about the hand by which the blow was directed.
We both knew that Madam d'Epinay corresponded with St.Lambert.This was not the first storm she had raised up against Madam d'Houdetot, from whom she had made a thousand efforts to detach her lover, the success of some of which made the consequences to be dreaded.Besides, Grimm, who, I think, had accompanied M.de Castries to the army, was in Westphalia, as well as Saint Lambert; they sometimes visited.Grimm had made some attempts on Madam d'Houdetot, which had not succeeded, and being extremely piqued, suddenly discontinued his visits to her.
Let it be judged with what calmness, modest as he is known to be, he supposed she preferred to him a man older than himself, and of whom, since he had frequented the great, he had never spoken but as a person whom he patronized.
My suspicions of Madam d'Epinay were changed into a certainty the moment I heard what had passed in my own house.When I was at the Chevrette, Theresa frequently came there, either to bring me letters or to pay me that attention which my ill state of health rendered necessary.Madam d'Epinay had asked her if Madam d'Houdetot and Idid not write to each other.Upon her answering in the affirmative, Madam d'Epinay pressed her to give her the letters of Madam d'Houdetot, assuring her she would reseal them in such a manner as it should never be known.Theresa without showing how much she was shocked at the proposition, and without even putting me upon my guard, did nothing more than seal the letters she brought me more carefully; a lucky precaution, for Madam d'Epinay had her watched when she arrived, and, waiting for her in the passage, several times carried her audaciousness as far as to examine her tucker.She did more even than this: having one day invited herself with M.de Margency to dinner at the Hermitage, for the first time since I had resided there, she seized the moment I was walking with Margency to go into my closet with the mother and daughter, and to press them to show her the letters of Madam d'Houdetot.Had the mother known where the letters were, they would have been given to her; but, fortunately, the daughter was the only person who was in the secret, and denied my having preserved any one of them.A virtuous, faithful and generous falsehood; whilst truth would have been a perfidy.Madam d'Epinay, perceiving Theresa was not to be seduced, endeavored to irritate her by jealousy, reproaching her with her easy temper and blindness.