Although trembling, and almost blind with rage whilst I read this epistle, I remarked the address with which Diderot affected a milder and more polite language than he had done in his former ones, wherein he never went further than "My dear," without ever deigning to add the name of friend.I easily discovered the second-hand means by which the letter was conveyed to me; the superscription, manner and form awkwardly betrayed the maneuver; for we commonly wrote to each other by post, or the messenger of Montmorency, and this was the first and only time he sent me his letter by any other conveyance.
As soon as the first transports of my indignation permitted me to write, I, with great precipitation, wrote him the following answer, which I immediately carried from the Hermitage, where I then was, to the Chevrette, to show it to Madam d'Epinay, to whom, in my blind rage, I read the contents, as well as the letter from Diderot:
* * * * *
"You cannot, my dear friend, either know the magnitude of the obligations I am under to Madam d'Epinay, to what a degree I am bound by them, whether or not she is desirous of my accompanying her, that this is possible, or the reasons I may have for my non-compliance.I have no objection to discuss all these points with you; but you will in the meantime confess that prescribing to me so positively what I ought to do, without first enabling yourself to judge of the matter, is, my dear philosopher, acting very inconsiderately.What is still worse, I perceive the opinion you give comes not from yourself.Besides my being but little disposed to suffer myself to be led by the nose under your name by any third or fourth person, I observe in this secondary advice certain underhand dealing, which ill agrees with your candor, and from which you will on your account, as well as mine, do well in future to abstain.
"You are afraid my conduct should be misinterpreted; but I defy a heart like yours to think ill of mine.Others would perhaps speak better of me if I resembled them more.God preserve me from gaining their approbation! Let the vile and wicked watch over my conduct and misinterpret my actions, Rousseau is not a man to be afraid of them, nor is Diderot to be prevailed upon to hearken to what they say.
"If I am displeased with your letter, you wish me to throw it into the fire, and pay no attention to the contents.Do you imagine that anything coming from you can be forgotten in such a manner? You hold, my dear friend, my tears as cheap in the pain you give me, as you do my life and health, in the cares you exhort me to take.Could you but break yourself of this, your friendship would be more pleasing to me, and I should be less to be pitied."* * * * *
On entering the chamber of Madam d'Epinay I found Grimm with her, with which I was highly delighted.I read to them, in a loud and clear voice, the two letters, with an intrepidity of which I should not have thought myself capable, and concluded with a few observations not in the least derogatory to it.At this unexpected audacity in a man generally timid, they were struck dumb with surprise; I perceived that arrogant man look down upon the ground, not daring to meet my eyes, which sparkled with indignation; but in the bottom of his heart he from that instant resolved upon my destruction, and, with Madam d'Epinay, I am certain concerted measures to that effect before they separated.
It was much about this time that I at length received, by Madam d'Houdetot, the answer from Saint Lambert, dated from Wolfenbuttle, a few days after the accident that happened to him, to my letter which had been long delayed upon the road.This answer gave me the consolation of which I then flood so much in need; it was full of assurance of esteem and friendship, and these gave me strength and courage to deserve them.From that moment I did my duty, but had Saint Lambert been less reasonable, generous, and honest, I was inevitably lost.
The season became bad, and people began to quit the country.Madam d'Houdetot informed me of the day on which she intended to come and bid adieu to the valley, and gave me a rendezvous at Eaubonne.This happened to be the same day on which Madam d'Epinay left the Chevrette to go to Paris for the purpose of completing the preparations for her journey.Fortunately she set off in the morning, and I had still time to go and dine with her sister-in-law.I had the letter from Saint Lambert in my pocket, and read it over several times as I walked along.This letter served me as a shield against my weakness.I made and kept to the resolution of seeing nothing in Madam d'Houdetot but my friend and the mistress of Saint Lambert; and I passed with her a tete-a-tete of four hours in a most delicious calm, infinitely preferable, even with respect to enjoyment, to the paroxysms of a burning fever, which, always, until that moment, I had had when in her presence.As she too well knew my heart not to be changed, she was sensible of the efforts I made to conquer myself, and esteemed me the more for them, and I had the pleasure of perceiving that her friendship for me was not extinguished.She announced to me the approaching return of Saint Lambert, who, although well enough recovered from his attack, was unable to bear the fatigues of war, and was quitting the service to come and live in peace with her.We formed the charming project of an intimate connection between us three, and had reason to hope it would be lasting, since it was founded upon every sentiment by which honest and susceptible hearts could be united; and we had moreover amongst us all the knowledge and talents necessary to be sufficient to ourselves, without the aid of any foreign supplement.Alas! in abandoning myself to the hope of so agreeable a life I little suspected that which awaited me.