Finally I hate you because you have been desirous I should; but I hate you as a man more worthy of loving you had you chosen it.Of all the sentiments with which my heart was penetrated for you, admiration, which cannot be refused your fine genius, and a partiality to your writings, are those you have not effaced.If I can honor nothing in you except your talents, the fault is not mine.I shall never be wanting in the respect due to them, nor in that which this respect requires."In the midst of these little literary cavillings, which still fortified my resolution, I received the greatest honor letters ever acquired me, and of which I was the most sensible, in the two visits the Prince of Conti deigned to make to me, one at the Little Castle and the other at Mont-Louis.He chose the time for both these when M.de Luxembourg was not at Montmorency, in order to render it more manifest that he came there solely on my account.I have never had a doubt of my owing the first condescensions of this prince to Madam de Luxembourg and Madam de Boufflers; but I am of opinion I owe to his own sentiments and to myself those with which he has since that time continually honored me.** Remark the perseverance of this blind and stupid confidence in the midst of all the treatment which should soonest have undeceived me.It continued until my return to Paris in 1770.
My apartments at Mont-Louis being small, and the situation of the alcove charming, I conducted the prince to it, where, to complete the condescension he was pleased to show me, he chose I should have the honor of playing with him a game at chess.I knew he beat the Chevalier de Lorenzi, who played better than I did.However, notwithstanding the signs and grimace of the chevalier and the spectators, which I feigned not to see, I won the two games we played.
When they were ended, I said to him in a respectful but very grave manner: "My lord, I honor your serene highness too much not to beat you always at chess." This great prince, who had real wit, sense, and knowledge, and so was worthy not to be treated with mean adulation, felt in fact, at least I think so, that I was the only person present who treated him like a man, and I have every reason to believe he was not displeased with me for it.
Had this even been the case, I should not have reproached myself with having been unwilling to deceive him in anything, and I certainly cannot do it with having in my heart made an ill return for his goodness, but solely with having sometimes done it with an ill grace, whilst he himself accompanied with infinite gracefulness, the manner in which he showed me the marks of it.A few days afterwards he ordered a hamper of game to be sent me, which I received as I ought.
This in a little time was succeeded by another, and one of his gamekeepers wrote me, by order of his highness, that the game it contained had been shot by the prince himself.I received this second hamper, but I wrote to Madam de Boufflers that I would not receive a third.This letter was generally blamed, and deservedly so.Refusing to accept presents of game from a prince of the blood, who moreover sends it in so polite a manner, is less the delicacy of a haughty man, who wishes to preserve his independence, than the rusticity of a clown, who does not know himself.I have never read this letter in my collection without blushing and reproaching myself for having written it.But I have not undertaken my Confession with an intention of concealing my faults, and that of which I have just spoken is too shocking in my own eyes to suffer me to pass it over in silence.
If I were not guilty of the offense of becoming his rival I was very near doing it; for Madam de Boufflers was still his mistress, and Iknew nothing of the matter.She came rather frequently to see me with the Chevalier de Lorenzi.She was yet young and beautiful, affected to be whimsical, and my mind was always romantic, which was much of the same nature.I was near being laid hold of; I believe she perceived it.the chevalier saw it also, at least he spoke to me upon the subject, and in a manner not discouraging.But I was this time reasonable, and at the age of fifty it was time I should be so.
Full of the doctrine I had just preached to graybeards in my letter to D'Alembert, I should have been ashamed of not profiting by it myself; besides, coming to the knowledge of that of which I had been ignorant, I must have been mad to have carried my pretensions so far as to expose myself to such an illustrious rivalry.Finally, ill cured perhaps of my passion for Madam d'Houdetot, I felt nothing could replace it in my heart, and I bade adieu to love for the rest of my life.I have this moment just withstood the dangerous allurements of a young woman who had her views; but if she feigned to forget my sixty years, I remembered them.After having thus withdrawn myself from danger, I am no longer afraid of a fall, and I answer for myself for the rest of my days.
Madam de Boufflers, perceiving the emotion she caused in me, might also observe I had triumphed over it.I am neither mad nor vain enough to believe I was at my age capable of inspiring her with the same feelings; but, from certain words which she let drop to Theresa, Ithought I had inspired her with a curiosity; if this be the case, and that she has not forgiven me the disappointment she met with, it must be confessed I was born to be the victim of my weaknesses, since triumphant love was so prejudicial to me, and love triumphed over not less so.
Here finishes the collection of letters which has served me as a guide in the last two books.My steps will in future be directed by memory only; but this is of such a nature, relative to the period to which I am now come, and the strong impression of objects has remained so perfectly upon my mind, that lost in the immense sea of my misfortunes, I cannot forget the detail of my first shipwreck, although the consequences present to me but a confused remembrance.
I therefore shall be able to proceed in the succeeding book with sufficient confidence.If I go further it will be groping in the dark.
End of Book X