Notwithstanding exterior appearances, I knew there reigned against me in the heart of every Genevese a secret jealousy, which, in the first favorable moment, would publicly show itself.Nevertheless, the love of my country called me to it, and could I have flattered myself I should there have lived in peace, I should not have hesitated; but neither honor nor reason permitting me to take refuge as a fugitive in a place of which I was a citizen, I resolved to approach it only, and to wait in Switzerland until something relative to me should be determined upon in Geneva.This state of uncertainty did not, as it will soon appear, continue long.
Madam de Boufflers highly disapproved this resolution, and renewed her efforts to induce me to go to England, but all she could say was of no effect; I have never loved England nor the English, and the eloquence of Madam de Boufflers, far from conquering my repugnancy, seemed to increase it without my knowing why.Determined to set off the same day, I was from the morning inaccessible to everybody, and La Roche, whom I sent to fetch my papers, would not tell Theresa whether or not I was gone.Since I had determined to write my own memoirs, I had collected a great number of letters and other papers, so that he was obliged to return several times.A part of these papers, already selected, were laid aside, and I employed the morning in sorting the rest, that I might take with me such only as were necessary and destroy what remained.M.de Luxembourg was kind enough to assist me in this business, which we could not finish before it was necessary I should set off, and I had not time to burn a single paper.The marechal offered to take upon himself to sort what I should leave behind me, and throw into the fire every sheet that he found useless, without trusting to any person whomsoever, and to send me those of which he should make choice.I accepted his offer, very glad to be delivered from that care, that I might pass the few hours Ihad to remain with persons so dear to me, from whom I was going to separate forever.He took the key of the chamber in which I had left these papers; and, at my earnest solicitation, sent for my poor "aunt," who, not knowing what was become of me, or what was to become of herself, and in momentary expectation of the arrival of the officers of justice, without knowing how to act or what to answer them, was miserable to an extreme.La Roche accompanied her to the castle in silence; she thought I was already far from Montmorency; on perceiving me, she made the place resound with her cries, and threw herself into my arms.Oh, friendship, affinity of sentiment, habit and intimacy.
In this pleasing yet cruel moment, the remembrance of so many days of happiness, tenderness, and peace passed together, augmented the grief of a first separation after an union of seventeen years, during which we had scarcely lost sight of each other for a single day.
The marechal, who saw this embrace, could not suppress his tears.He withdrew.Theresa determined never more to leave me out of her sight.I made her feel the inconvenience of accompanying me at that moment, and the necessity of her remaining to take care of my effects and collect my money.When an order is made to arrest a man, it is customary to seize his papers and put a seal upon his effects, or to make an inventory of them and appoint a guardian to whose care they are intrusted.It was necessary Theresa should remain to observe what passed, and get everything settled in the most advantageous manner possible.I promised her she should shortly come to me; the marechal confirmed my promise; but I did not choose to tell her to what place I was going, that, in case of being interrogated by the persons who came to take me into custody, she might with truth plead ignorance upon that head.In embracing her the moment before we separated I felt within me a most extraordinary emotion, and I said to her with an agitation which, alas! was but too prophetic:
"My dear girl, you must arm yourself with courage.You have partaken of my prosperity; it now remains to you, since you have chosen it, to partake of my misery.Expect nothing in future but insult and calamity in following me.The destiny begun for me by this melancholy day will pursue me until my latest hour."I had now nothing to think of but my departure.The officers were to arrive at ten o'clock.It was four in the afternoon when I set off, and they were not yet come.It was determined I should take post.Ihad no carriage.The marechal made me a present of a cabriolet, and lent me horses and a postillion the first stage, where, in consequence of the measures he had taken, I had no difficulty in procuring others.
As I had not dined at table, nor made my appearance in the castle, the ladies came to bid me adieu in the entresol where I had passed the day.Madam de Luxembourg embraced me several times with a melancholy air; but I did not in these embraces feel the pressing I had done in those she had lavished upon me two or three years before.Madam de Boufflers also embraced me, and said to me many civil things.An embrace which surprised me more than all the rest had done was one from Madam de Mirepoix, for she also was at the castle.Madam la Marechale de Mirepoix is a person extremely cold, decent, and reserved, and did not, at least as she appeared to me, seem quite exempt from the natural haughtiness of the house of Lorraine.She had never shown me much attention.Whether, flattered by an honor Ihad not expected, I endeavored to enhance the value of it; or that there really was in the embrace a little of that commiseration natural to generous hearts, I found in her manner and look something energetical which penetrated me.I have since that time frequently thought that, acquainted with my destiny, she could not refrain from a momentary concern for my fate.