Churchill and Bernard Shaw
Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War II.He was a fat and short man.George Bernard Shaw was a famous writer.He was tall and lean.Both of them were humorists.
When they met at a receptionreception n.接待，招待会，Churchill said to Shaw with a smile，“Mr.Shaw，when people see you，they must think there is a faminefamine n.饥荒in our country.”“Yes，”said Bernard Shaw，“but they must think you are responsible for it.”
丘吉尔和萧伯纳
丘吉尔是二战期间英国的首相，他是个又矮又胖的男人。萧伯纳是著名作家，又高又瘦。他们俩都是幽默诙谐的人。
一次，他们在一个招待会上碰面了。丘吉尔微笑着对萧伯纳说：“萧伯纳先生，人们看到您，一定以为我们国家正在闹饥荒。”“对，”萧伯纳回答，“但他们一定认为这是您造成的。”
Mark Twain
On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording on its evening placardplacard n.布告．But there was another piece of news to be mentioned：it was about the AscotAscot英国爱斯科赛马场，爱斯科赛马会Cup being stolen．The placard thus ran：
MARK TWAIN
ARRIVES．
ASCOT CUP
STOLEN．
Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it．
马克·吐温
有一次，马克·吐温从纽约起程抵达伦敦访问，《星报》认为这个消息值得登在它的晚招贴上。但是，还有一条消息也要登上：关于爱斯科杯被盗的消息。招贴是这样写的：
马克·吐温
光临
爱斯科杯
被盗
我们相信，马克·吐温从来也没听说过这件事。
Dumas
One day，a man was tauntingtaunt Alexandre Dumas，the great French novelist，with his ancestryancestry
“Why，”snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroonquadroon ；your father was a mulattomulatto，and your grandfather was a NegroNegro ．”
“Yes，”roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know，my great grandfather was a monkey．In fact，my pedigreepedigree began where yours terminatesterminate”
仲马
有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。
那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。”
“是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话，我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”
Hellen’s Eyes Were Not Good
Helen’s eyes were not very good，so she usually wore glasses.But when she was seventeen and she began to go out with a
young man，she never wore her glasses when she went with him.When he came to the door to take her out，she took her glasses off，and when she came home again and he left，she put them on.
One day her mother said to her，“But Helen，why do you never wear your glasses when you are with Jim？He takes you to beautiful places in his car，but you don’t see anything.”
“Well，Mother，”said Helen，“I look prettier to Jim when I am not wearing my glasses and he looks better to me too！”
海伦的视力不好
海伦的视力不太好，平时总是戴副眼镜。但是当她满了17岁，并且同一位小伙子外出时，
却从来不戴眼镜。小伙子一来到海伦家门口要带她出去玩时，她总是摘掉眼镜，可是当她回
到家里，小伙子一离去，她却又戴起眼镜来了。
一天，她妈妈对她说：“海伦，你和吉姆一起时为什么从来不戴眼镜？他用汽车带你去
一些优美的地方游玩时，你什么也看不清呀。”
“是的，妈妈，”海伦说道：“对吉姆来说，我不戴眼镜就显得更漂亮些；而对我来说，
他也显得更体面些。”
Hogarth
The great painter was asked，one day to paint a picture of “PharaohPharaoh n.法老王（古埃及君主称号），暴君crossing the Red Sea”．A little while after the picture had been commenced，a hitch arose over the fee，and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected．When the work was completed，the patronpatron was asked to come and inspect it．As a matter of fact，the picture was just one daub daub of brilliant red．
“What’s this？”exclaimed the purchaser，“I asked for the Red Sea，on the occasion of the celebrated passage．”
“That’s it.”replied Hogarth．
“But，where are the Israelites？”
“They are all gone over．”
“Where are the Egyptians？”
“They’re all drowned．”
霍迦斯
一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅“法老王渡红海”图。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迦斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。
“这是什么？”那位买主喊了起来。“我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。”
“这就是。”霍迦斯回答说。
“可是以色列人在哪儿？”
“他们都已经渡过去了。”
“埃及人在哪儿？”
“他们全都淹死了。”
Horne Tooke
George Ⅲasked the once wellknown witwit，Horne Tooke，whether he could play cards．
“Your Majesty，”replied Tooke，“I am a mere child where cards are concerned．I cannot even tell a King from a Knave.”
霍恩·图克
乔治三世问一度大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·图克，会不会玩纸牌。
“陛下，”图克回答说：“在玩纸牌方面，我只不过是幼儿园的水平。我甚至分不清国王和无赖。”
Wilberforce
Wilberforce stood for Parliament on one occasion，and his sister helped him with his election campaigncampaign．The Bribery and Corruption Acts had not been framed in those days；consequentlyconsequently，the sister offered to give a new dress to the wife of every man who voted for her brother．This offer pleased the voters immensely，and at one meeting there went up a cry of “Miss Wilberforce for ever！”The lady in questionin question rose quickly from her chair on the platform and said：
“Oh，please，don’t.I have no wish to be Miss.Wilhber force for ever.”
威尔伯佛斯
有一次，威尔伯佛斯做国会议员候选人，他的妹妹帮助他搞竞选运动。那时候，行贿和腐败法案尚未拟定；因此，这位妹妹提出愿意送一件新衣服给每一个投她哥哥票的男人的妻子。这项提议使选民们极为满意。在一次集会上，人们高呼：“威尔伯佛斯小姐万岁！”该女士迅速从讲台上她的座椅上站起来，说：
“噢，请别这么说。我可不想永远做威尔伯佛斯小姐。”
Winston Churchill
A member of the House of Commons got up in a debate and said that Winston Churchill was evidently suffering from beriberiberiberi，as a sign of that disease was a swollen head．
Afterwards Churchill corrected the member and said that swollen feet，not head，were the sign．
“That makes no difference.”was the reply.“All I meant to convey was that you were too big for your boots．”
温斯顿·丘吉尔
一位下院议员在辩论中站起来说温斯顿·丘吉尔显然是得了脚气病，因为脚气病的一个症状就是头脑发胀。
后来丘吉尔纠正了这个议员的话，说该症状是两脚肿胀，而不是头脑发胀。
“那没什么区别。”这是他得到的回答。“我想说的是你太自大。”
Sir Richard Bacon
Sir Richard Bacon tells the following amusing story in“Naval Scrap Book”：“On one occasion，when my ancestor’s husband was up country with his troops，dealing with some turbulent turbulent natives，a French frigate frigate anchored off the fort．Not knowing whether the two countries were at peace or war，the lady grasped the nettle firmly，asked the captain to lunch，dressed all the women in their husbands’uniforms，and dotted them about on the ramparts rampart outside the range of accurate vision．During lunch she made them roll casks of stones over head，and explained that the noise was made by the artillerymen exercising at gun drill．
The French captain，who had intended to attack the place，decided that it was too strongly held and equipped，and sailed away，thinking that the adventure would be a little to risky．
理查德·培根爵士
在“海军剪贴簿”中，理查德·培根爵士讲了下面这个有趣的故事：“有一次，我的祖先的丈夫同他的军队一起到内地，去对付一些当地的骚乱分子，就在这个时候一艘法国快速帆船停在离城堡不远的海上。不知两国此时是战还是和，这位夫人勇敢地处理起这个棘手的问题。她请船长吃饭，让所有的妇女都穿起她们丈夫的军服，然后把她们星罗棋布地安排到远处看不清的城墙堡垒上去。在吃午饭的时候，她让她们在楼上滚动装着石头块的木桶，然后解释说这是演习开炮的炮兵们闹出的声音。
那位法国船长本来打算进攻这个地方，他断定这座城堡防守太坚固，装备过于精良，就把船开走了，心想这样的冒险未免有点太危险了。
The Browns