LONDON,January 21,O.S..1751
MY DEAR FRIEND:In all my letters from Paris,I have the pleasure of finding,among many other good things,your docility mentioned with emphasis;this is the sure way of improving in those things,which you only want.It is true they are little,but it is as true too that they are necessary things.As they are mere matters of usage and mode,it is no disgrace for anybody of your age to be ignorant of them;and the most compendious way of learning them is,fairly to avow your ignorance,and to consult those who,from long usage and experience,know them best.
Good sense and good-nature suggest civility in general;but,in good-breeding there are a thousand little delicacies,which are established only by custom;and it is these little elegances of manners which distinguish a courtier and a man of fashion from the vulgar.I am assured by different people,that your air is already much improved;and one of my correspondents makes you the true French compliment of saying,'F'ose vous promettre qu'il sera bientot comme un de nos autres'.
However unbecoming this speech may be in the mouth of a Frenchman,I am very glad that they think it applicable to you;for I would have you not only adopt,but rival,the best manners and usages of the place you are at,be they what they will;that is the versatility of manners which is so useful in the course of the world.Choose your models well at Paris,and then rival them in their own way.There are fashionable words,phrases,and even gestures,at Paris,which are called 'du bon ton';not to mention 'certaines Petites politesses et attentions,qui ne sont rien en elle-memes',which fashion has rendered necessary.Make yourself master of all these things;and to such a degree,as to make the French say,'qu'on diroit que c'est un Francois';and when hereafter you shall be at other courts,do the same thing there;and conform to the fashionable manners and usage of the place;that is what the French themselves are not apt to do;wherever they go,they retain their own manners,as thinking them the best;but,granting them to be so,they are still in the wrong not to conform to those of the place.One would desire to please,wherever one is;and nothing is more innocently flattering than an approbation,and an imitation of the people one converses with.
I hope your colleges with Marcel go on prosperously.In these ridiculous,though,at the same time,really important lectures,pray attend,and desire your professor also to attend,more particularly to the chapter of the arms.It is they that decide of a man's being genteel or otherwise,more than any other part of the body.A twist or stiffness in the wrist,will make any man in Europe look awkward.The next thing to be attended to is,your coming into a room,and presenting yourself to a company.This gives the first impression;and the first impression is often a lasting one.Therefore,pray desire Professor Marcel to make you come in and go out of his room frequently,and in the supposition of different companies being there;such as ministers,women,mixed companies,etc.Those who present themselves well,have a certain dignity in their air,which,without the least seeming mixture of pride,at once engages,and is respected.
I should not so often repeat,nor so long dwell upon such trifles,with anybody that had less solid and valuable knowledge than you have.
Frivolous people attend to those things,'par preference';they know nothing else;my fear with you is,that,from knowing better things,you should despise these too much,and think them of much less consequence than they really are;for they are of a great deal,and more especially to you.
Pleasing and governing women may,in time,be of great service to you.
They often please and govern others.'A propos',are you in love with Madame de Berkenrode still,or has some other taken her place in your affections?I take it for granted,that 'qua to cumque domat Venus,non erubescendis adurit ignibus.Un arrangement honnete sied bien a un galant homme'.In that case I recommend to you the utmost discretion,and the profoundest silence.Bragging of,hinting at,intimating,or even affectedly disclaiming and denying such an arrangement will equally discredit you among men and women.An unaffected silence upon that subject is the only true medium.
In your commerce with women,and indeed with men too,'une certaine douceur'is particularly engaging;it is that which constitutes that character which the French talk of so much,and so justly value,I mean 'l'aimable'.This 'douceur'is not so easily described as felt.It is the compound result of different things;a complaisance,a flexibility,but not a servility of manners;an air of softness in the countenance,gesture,and expression,equally whether you concur or differ with the person you converse with.Observe those carefully who have that 'douceur'that charms you and others;and your own good sense will soon enable you to discover the different ingredients of which it is composed.
You must be more particularly attentive to this 'douceur',whenever you are obliged to refuse what is asked of you,or to say what in itself cannot be very agreeable to those to whom you say it.It is then the necessary gilding of a disagreeable pill.'L'aimable'consists in a thousand of these little things aggregately.It is the 'suaviter in modo',which I have so often recommended to you.The respectable,Mr.
Harte assures me,you do not want,and I believe him.Study,then,carefully;and acquire perfectly,the 'Aimable',and you will have everything.