THE GOUT
Franklin.EH！O！eh！What have I done to merit these cruel sufferings？
Gout .Many things；you have ate and drank too freely，and too much indulged those legs of yours in their indolence.
Franklin.What is it that accuses me？Gout.It is I，even I，the Gout.Franklin.What！my enemy in person？Gout.No，not your enemy.
Franklin.I repeat it，my enemy：for you would not only torment my body to death，but ruin my good name.You reproach me as a glutton and tippler；now，all the world that knows me will allow that I am neither the one nor the other.
Gout.The world may think as it pleases：it is always very complaisant to itself，and sometimes to its friends；but I very well know that the quantity of meat and drink proper for a man who takes a reasonable degree of exercise，would be too much for another who never takes any.
Franklin.I take-Eh！O！-as much exercise-Eh！-as I can，Madam Gout.You know my sedentary state，and on that account，it would seem，Madam Gout，as if you might spare me a little，seeing it is not altogether my own fault.
Gout.Not a jot！Your rhetoric and your politeness are thrown away；your apology avails nothing.If your situation in life is a sedentary one，your amusements，your recreations，at least，should be active.But let us examine your course of life.While the mornings are long，and youhave leisure to go abroad，what do you？Why，instead of gaining an appetite for breakfast by salutary exercise，you amuse yourself with books，pamphlets，or newspapers；you eat an inordinate breakfast；immediately afterward，you sit down to write at your desk，or converse on business.Thus the time passes till one，without any kind of bodily exercise.What is your practice after dinner？To be fixed down to chess for two or three hours！What can be expected from such a course of living，but a body replete with stagnant humors，ready to fall a prey to all kinds of dangerous maladies，if I，the gout，did not occasionally bring you relief by agitating these humors，and so purifying or dissipating them？Fie，then，Mr.Franklin！But，amidst my instructions，I had almost forgot to administer my wholesome corrections：so take that twinge，and that！
Franklin.O！eh！O！-O-o-o-o！As much instruction as you please，Madam Gout，and as many reproaches，but pray，madam，a truce with your corrections！
Gout.No，sir，no；I will not abate a particle of what is so much for your good，-therefore-Franklin.O！eh-h-h！It is not fair to say I take no exercise，when I do very often，going out to dine，and return in my carriage.
Gout .That，of all imaginary exercise，is the most slight and insignificant，if you allude to the motion of a carriage suspended on springs.By observing the degree of heat obtained by different kinds of motion，we may form an estimate of the quantity of exercise given by each.Thus，for example，if you turn out to walk in winter with cold feet，in an hour‘s time you will be in a glow all over；if you ride on horseback，the same effect will scarcely be perceived by four hours’round trotting，but if you loll in a carriage，such as you have mentioned，you may travel all day，and gladly enter the last inn to warm your feet by a fire.Flatter，yourself，then，no longer，that half an hour‘s airing in your carriage deserves the name of exercise.Providence has appointed few to roll in carriages，while He has givento all a pair of legs，which are machines infinitely more commodiousand serviceable.
Franklin.Your reasonings grow very tiresome.
Gout.I stand corrected.I will be silent，and continue my office；takethat，and that！
Franklin.O！O-o！Talk on，I pray you！
Gout.No，no；I have a good number of things for you tonight，and you may be sure of some more tomorrow.
Franklin.What，with such a fever！I shall go distracted.O！eh！Canno one bear it for me？
Gout.Ask that of your horses；they have served you faithfully.
Franklin.How can you so cruelly sport with my torments？
Gout.Sport！I am very serious.I have here a list of your offenses against your own health distinctly written，and can justify every stroke inflicted on you.
Franklin.Read it，then！
Gout.It is too long a detail；but I will briefly mention some particulars.
Franklin.Proceed；I am all attention.
Gout.Do you remember how often you have promised yourself，the following morning，a walk in the grove of Boulogne，or in your own garden，and have violated your promise，alleging，at one time，it was too cold，at another，too warm，too windy，too moist，or what else you pleased；when，in truth，it was too nothing，but your insuperable love of case？
Franklin .That，I confess，may have happened occasionally，probably ten times in a year.
Gout.Your confession is very short of the truth；the gross amount is one hundred and ninety-nine times.
Franklin.Is it possible？