书城外语当幸福来敲门
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第47章 镜中的女人 (2)

I am not surprised that things are pretty much the same in my life. I didn’t expect anything more than what I have now. I worked very hard to surround myself with genuine people and to create a normal life for myself. I am still the same person. It just means that physically, perhaps, I can share more and put the two together: the feelings I had, with sight.

The same doctor who told me I would never see again told me I had regained 80 percent of the vision in my left eye. To be able to look him in the eye and tell him I could see again—honestly, that felt pretty damn good. He ran all the tests and made me read the eye chart, but he has no explanation. He said to himself, and still says, that once the optic nerve is damaged, it cannot regenerate .

I don’t think the knock on the head had anything to do with it. If others want to believe that is how it happened, that is fine. But I consider this a miracle. There is no other way to describe it. Some things just cannot be explained. Of course, some people are skeptical. For me, it is precious. I try not to think about the possibility of going blind again. But my recovery would be no less a miracle even if I lost my sight tomorrow.

11岁那年,我被诊断患有脑瘤。我进行了切除手术,但肿瘤的大小和位置却导致我的视觉神经萎缩。3年后,我还能看见一点点东西,但眼科医生说我最终会失明。快过完14岁时,医生断言我已经完全失明,并且没有办法治疗。当时,我患上脑瘤后,存活的机率只有5%,结果我活了下来,但对于即将失明的现实,我却无能为力。我努力表现得一切正常,但当它真正成为现实时,我却绝望了。

5岁那年,父亲离开了我们,这简直令我无法承受。正因为如此,再加上处于失明最痛苦的时期,我最大的恐惧是没有人再爱我,我永远都不能结婚,不能有自己的孩子和一个完整的生活。我害怕孤独。我想,这些就是我当时对失明的理解。

10年后,去年的11月16日,我正在做晚餐,弯腰亲吻我的导盲犬阿米时,突然失去重心,一头撞在咖啡桌一角,然后又摔倒在地。这没什么大不了的,要是你失明了,你也总会撞伤自己。我爬起来,继续做完晚餐,然后上床睡觉。

当我醒来时,我能看见了。阳光从拉着窗帘的窗户射进来。当然,我大吃一惊,但并不像失明时那样恐慌。卧室里挂着一面大镜子,我并没有立刻去照。我想先洗头,化妆,我早晨的模样并不好看,我不想让自己受到惊吓。洗澡的时候,我看见自己的影子,顿时说不出话来,真的。

最后一次见到自己时,我留着短短的头发,脸色苍白,面容黯淡。因为我的眉毛和睫毛都很淡,看起来像一个十几岁的小女孩,糟糕极了。但是,现在,我突然意识到,别人跟我说的都是真的,我是一个漂亮的女人。我站在镜子前,触摸着自己的脸。十年来,我一直这样做——我只是这样理解的——所以这是一种自然冲动。直到我看见自己,才意识到曾经看见的记忆,已经在很大程度上消退了。大约四个小时后,我才告诉其他人。我和阿米在一起,注视着对方,在外面的院子里玩儿。我只想独自接受这一事实,它对我意义太大了。

奇怪的是,我很早就知道自己会复明。大概一个星期前,我带着阿米散步,突然看见左眼前面有蓝色的圆点。后来正是这只眼睛复明了。我告诉了妈妈,因为很有趣的是,我一直最喜欢蓝色,这也是我还有部分视力时最容易看到的颜色。我把它当成某种信号。

现在,我不再受到人们的特殊对待,我一直完全独立生活,带着小狗住在新西兰奥克兰市自己的公寓里。我以前会参加聚会,去俱乐部玩,会听着音乐,打着节拍,祈求最佳状态。我和朋友们疯玩,只有当他们抓住我的手,指着另一个方向,告诉我,其实他们在那边时,我才想起自己是盲人。

我也喜欢看电影,盲人看电影就好像在听别人给你讲一个非常好的故事,伴着精彩的音响效果,你可以在脑海中想像所有的情形。自从复明后,我还没有去看过电影,却在看我最喜欢的肥皂剧“苏特兰街”。朋友们翻开杂志,指出帕梅拉·李·安德森和布拉德·皮特给我看,布拉德·皮特最令我吃惊,我只是想,他有什么值得人们反复谈论的呢?最美妙的事是见到我的男朋友。他坐渡船过来,我一眼就认出了他,和我想象中一样性感。

我并不感到惊奇,生活还和以前一样。现在拥有的一切已经让我感到很满足,我并不期望更多。我努力工作,置身于这些诚恳的人群中,为自己创造正常的生活。我还是以前的那个人,也许复明只是意味着,我能从身体上分享更多的东西,而且,能把以前的感受和现在的结合起来。

曾经说我再也不能复明的那个医生,现在又告诉我,我的左眼视力已经恢复了80%。能够看着他,听他说我又能看见了——老实说,这感觉简直再好不过了。他给我做了所有的测试,让我读视力检查表,却没有做出任何解释,他依然像以前那样,自言自语道,视觉神经已经损坏了,不可能再生的。

我并不认为这和我那天撞到头有什么关系,如果别人要这样认为,那也没关系。但我认为这是一个奇迹,除此之外,再也没有其他方式可以形容了。有些事情就是无法解释。当然,有些人会很怀疑,但对我来说,它无比珍贵。我努力不去想可能还会失明,就是明天再度失明,我的恢复也依然是一个奇迹。

1. My dad us when I was 5, and I took that really . Because of that, and because I was blind on of it, my greatest was that no one was ever going to love me, that I would never get married and have kids and a life.

2. I didn’t expect more than what I have now. I worked very hard to

myself with genuine people and to create a normal life for . I am still the same person: It just means that physically, perhaps, I can more and put the two together: the feelings I had, with .

1. 这没什么大不了的,要是你失明了,你也总会撞伤自己。

2. 现在拥有的一切已经让我感到很满足,我并不期望更多。

3. 我努力不去想可能还会失明,就是明天再度失明,我的恢复也依然是一个奇迹。

1. I tried to behave as if everything were just fine. When it happened, I was devastated.

as if:犹如,好似

2. Now, all of a sudden, I realized that it was true what people told me, that I was an attractive woman.

all of a sudden:突然地,出乎意料地