"Granted," replied Wardle."`I am sorry to hear you express your opinion against marriages of affection, pa,' said Bella, colouring a little.`Iwas wrong; I ought not to have said so, my dear, either,' said I, patting her cheek as kindly as a rough old fellow like me could pat it, `for your mother's was one, and so was yours.' `It's not that, I meant, pa,' said Bella.`The fact is, pa, I wanted to speak to you about Emily.'"Mr.Pickwick started.
"What's the matter now?" inquired Wardle, stopping in his narrative.
"Nothing," replied Mr.Pickwick."Pray go on.""I never could spin out a story," said Wardle abruptly."It must come out, sooner or later, and it'll save us all a great deal of time if it comes at once.The long and the short of it is, then, that Bella at last mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was very unhappy; that she and your young friend Snodgrass had been in constant correspondence and communication ever since last Christmas; that she had very dutifully made up her mind to run away with him, in laudable imitation of her old friend and schoolfellow;but that having some compunctions of conscience on the subject, inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly disposed to both of them, they had thought it better in the first instance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I would have any objection to their being married in the usual matter-of-fact manner.There now, Mr.Pickwick, if you can make it convenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again, and to let me hear what you think we ought to do, I shall feel rather obliged to you!"The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered this last sentence was not wholly unwarranted; for Mr.Pickwick's face had settled down into an expression of blank amazement and perplexity, quite curious to behold.
"Snodgrass! Since last Christmas!" were the first broken words that issued from the lips of the confounded gentleman.
"Since last Christmas," replied Wardle; "that's plain enough, and very bad spectacles we must have worn, not to have discovered it before.""I don't understand it," said Mr.Pickwick, ruminating; "I really cannot understand it.""It's easy enough to understand," replied the choleric old gentleman.
"If you had been a younger man, you would have been in the secret long ago; and besides," added Wardle after a moment's hesitation, "the truth is, that, knowing nothing of this matter, I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months past, to receive favourably (if she could; I would never attempt to force a girl's inclinations) the addresses of a young gentleman down in our neighbourhood.I have no doubt that, girl-like, to enhance her own value and increase the ardour of Mr.Snodgrass, she has represented this matter in very glowing colours, and that they have both arrived at the conclusion that they are a terribly persecuted pair of unfortunates, and have no resource but clandestine matrimony or charcoal.Now the question is, what's to be done?""What have you done?" inquired Mr.Pickwick.
"I!"
"I mean what did you do when your married daughter told you this?""Oh, I made a fool of myself, of course," rejoined Wardle.
"Just so," interposed Perker, who had accompanied this dialogue with sundry twitchings of his watch-chain, vindictive rubbings of his nose, and other symptoms of impatience."That's very natural; but how?""I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into a fit," said Wardle.
"That was judicious," remarked Perker; "and what else?""I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a great disturbance,"rejoined the old gentleman."At last I got tired of rendering myself unpleasant and ****** everybody miserable; so I hired a carriage at Muggleton, and, putting my own horses in it, came up to town, under pretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella.""Miss Wardle is with you, then?" said Mr.Pickwick.
"To be sure she is," replied Wardle."She is at Osborne's hotel in the Adelphi at this moment, unless your enterprising friend has run away with her since I came out this morning.""You are reconciled, then?" said Perker.
"Not a bit of it," answered Wardle; "she has been crying and moping ever since, except last night, between tea and supper, when she made a great parade of writing a letter that I pretended to take no notice of.""You want my advice in this matter, I suppose?" said Perker, looking from the musing face of Mr.Pickwick to the eager countenance of Wardle, and taking several consecutive pinches of his favourite stimulant.
"I suppose so," said Wardle, looking at Mr.Pickwick.
"Certainly," replied that gentleman.
"Well then," said Perker, rising and pushing his chair back, "my advice is that you both walk away together, or ride away, or get away by some means or other, for I'm tired of you, and just talk this matter over between you.If you have not settled it by the next time I see you, I'll tell you what to do.""This is satisfactory," said Wardle, hardly knowing whether to smile or be offended.
"Pooh, pooh, my dear sir," returned Perker."I know you both a great deal better than you know yourselves.You have settled it already, to all intents and purposes."Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman poked his snuff-box, first into the chest of Mr.Pickwick, and then into the waistcoat of Mr.Wardle, upon which they all three laughed, but especially the two last-named gentlemen, who at once shook hands again, without any obvious or particular reason.
"You dine with me to-day," said Wardle to Perker, as he showed them out.
"Can't promise, my dear sir, can't promise," replied Perker."I'll look in, in the evening, at all events.""I shall expect you at five," said Wardle."Now, Joe!" And Joe having been at length awakened, the two friends departed in Mr.Wardle's carriage, which in common humanity had a dickey behind for the fat boy, who, if there had been a foot-board instead, would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first nap.