"God preserve you, my dear boy, from ever asking forgiveness for a fault from a woman you love.From one you love especially, however greatly you may have been in fault.For a woman- devil only knows what to make of a woman! I know something about them, anyway.But try acknowledging you are in fault to a woman.Say, 'I am sorry, forgive me,' and a shower of reproaches will follow! Nothing will make her forgive you simply and directly, she'll humble you to the dust, bring forward things that have never happened, recall everything, forget nothing, add something of her own, and only then forgive you.
And even the best, the best of them do it.She'll scrape up all the scrapings and load them on your head.They are ready to flay you alive, I tell you, every one of them, all these angels without whom we cannot live! I tell you plainly and openly, dear boy, every decent man ought to be under some woman's thumb.That's my conviction- not conviction, but feeling.A man ought to be magnanimous, and it's no disgrace to a man! No disgrace to a hero, not even a Caesar! But don't ever beg her pardon all the same for anything.Remember that rule given you by your brother Mitya, who's come to ruin through women.No, I'd better make it up to Grusha somehow, without begging pardon.Iworship her, Alexey, worship her.Only she doesn't see it.No, she still thinks I don't love her enough.And she tortures me, tortures me with her love.The past was nothing! In the past it was only those infernal curves of hers that tortured me, but now I've taken all her soul into my soul and through her I've become a man myself.Will they marry us? If they don't, I shall die of jealousy.I imagine something every day....What did she say to you about me?"Alyosha repeated all Grushenka had said to him that day.Mitya listened, made him repeat things, and seemed pleased.
"Then she is not angry at my being jealous?" he exclaimed."She is a regular woman! 'I've a fierce heart myself!' Ah, I love such fierce hearts, though I can't bear anyone's being jealous of me.Ican't endure it.We shall fight.But I shall love her, I shall love her infinitely.Will they marry us? Do they let convicts marry? That's the question.And without her I can't exist..."Mitya walked frowning across the room.It was almost dark.He suddenly seemed terribly worried.
"So there's a secret, she says, a secret? We have got up a plot against her, and Katya is mixed up in it, she thinks.No, my good Grushenka, that's not it.You are very wide of the mark, in your foolish feminine way.Alyosha, darling, well, here goes! I'll tell you our secret!"He looked round, went close up quickly to Alyosha, who was standing before him, and whispered to him with an air of mystery, though in reality no one could hear them: the old warder was dozing in the corner, and not a word could reach the ears of the soldiers on guard.
"I will tell you all our secret," Mitya whispered hurriedly."Imeant to tell you later, for how could I decide on anything without you? You are everything to me.Though I say that Ivan is superior to us, you are my angel.It's your decision will decide it.Perhaps it's you that is superior and not Ivan.You see, it's a question of conscience, question of the higher conscience- the secret is so important that I can't settle it myself, and I've put it off till Icould speak to you.But anyway it's too early to decide now, for we must wait for the verdict.As soon as the verdict is given, you shall decide my fate.Don't decide it now.I'll tell you now.You listen, but don't decide.Stand and keep quiet.I won't tell you everything.I'll only tell you the idea, without details, and you keep quiet.Not a question, not a movement.You agree? But, goodness, what shall I do with your eyes? I'm afraid your eyes will tell me your decision, even if you don't speak.Oo! I'm afraid! Alyosha, listen!
Ivan suggests my escaping.I won't tell you the details: it's all been thought out: it can all be arranged.Hush, don't decide.I should go to America with Grusha.You know I can't live without Grusha! What if they won't let her follow me to Siberia? Do they let convicts get married? Ivan thinks not.And without Grusha what should I do there underground with a hammer? I should only smash my skull with the hammer! But, on the other hand, my conscience? I should have run away from suffering.A sign has come, I reject the sign.I have a way of salvation and I turn my back on it.Ivan says that in America, 'with the goodwill,' I can be of more use than underground.
But what becomes of our hymn from underground? What's America? America is vanity again! And there's a lot of swindling in America, too, Iexpect.I should have run away from crucifixion! I tell you, you know, Alexey, because you are the only person who can understand this.
There's no one else.It's folly, madness to others, all I've told you of the hymn.They'll say I'm out of my mind or a fool.I am not out of my mind and I am not a fool.Ivan understands about the hymn, too.He understands, only he doesn't answer- he doesn't speak.He doesn't believe in the hymn.Don't speak, don't speak.I see how you look! You have already decided.Don't decide, spare me! I can't live without Grusha.Wait till after the trial!"Mitya ended beside himself.He held Alyosha with both hands on his shoulders, and his yearning, feverish eyes were fixed on his brother's.
"They don't let convicts marry, do they?" he repeated for the third time in a supplicating voice.
Alyosha listened with extreme surprise and was deeply moved.
"Tell me one thing," he said."Is Ivan very keen on it, and whose idea was it?""His, his, and he is very keen on it.He didn't come to see me at first, then he suddenly came a week ago and he began about it straight away.He is awfully keen on it.He doesn't ask me, but orders me to escape.He doesn't doubt of my obeying him, though I showed him all my heart as I have to you, and told him about the hymn, too.