Neither of these women ever called themselves to an account, and, notwithstanding all my efforts, everything I acquired was dissipated as fast as it came.Notwithstanding the great simplicity of Theresa's dress, the pension from Rey has never been sufficient to buy her clothes, and I have every year been under the necessity of adding something to it for that purpose.We are neither of us born to be rich, and this I certainly do not reckon amongst our misfortunes.
The Contrat Social was soon printed.This was not the case with Emile, for the publication of which I waited to go into the retirement I meditated.Duchesne, from time to time, sent me specimens of impression to choose from; when I had made my choice, instead of beginning he sent me others.When, at length, we were fully determined on the size and letter, and several sheets were already printed off, on some trifling alteration I made in a proof, he began the whole again, and at the end of six months we were in less forwardness than on the first day.During all these experiments I clearly perceived the work was printing in France as well as in Holland, and that two editions of it were preparing at the same time.What could I do? The manuscript was no longer mine.Far from having anything to do with the edition in France I was always against it; but since, at length, this was preparing in spite of all opposition, and was to serve as a model to the other, it was necessary I should cast my eyes over it and examine the proofs, that my work might not be mutilated.It was, besides, printed so much by the consent of the magistrate, that it was he who in some measure, directed the undertaking; he likewise wrote to me frequently, and once came to see me and converse on the subject upon an occasion of which I am going to speak.
Whilst Duchesne crept like a snail, Neaulme, whom he withheld, scarcely moved at all.The sheets were not regularly sent him as they were printed.He thought there was some trick in the maneuver of Duchesne, that is, of Guy who acted for him; and perceiving the terms of the agreement to be departed from, he wrote me letter after letter full of complaints, and it was less possible for me to remove the subject of them than that of those I myself had to make.His friend, Guerin, who at that time came frequently to see my house, never ceased speaking to me about the work, but always with the greatest reserve.He knew and he did not know that it was printing in France, and that the magistrate had a hand in it.In expressing his concern for my embarrassment, he seemed to accuse me of imprudence without ever saying in what this consisted; he incessantly equivocated, and seemed to speak for no other purpose than to hear what I had to say.I thought myself so secure that I laughed at his mystery and circumspection as at a habit he had contracted with ministers and magistrates whose offices he much frequented.Certain of having conformed to every rule with the work, and strongly persuaded that I had not only the consent and protection of the magistrate, but that the book merited and had obtained the favor of the minister, I congratulated myself upon my courage in doing good, and laughed at my pusillanimous friends who seemed uneasy on my account.
Duclos was one of these, and I confess my confidence in his understanding and uprightness might have alarmed me, had I had less in the utility of the work and in the probity of those by whom it was patronized.He came from the house of M.Baille to see me whilst Emile was in the press; he spoke to me concerning it; I read to him the Profession of Faith of the Savoyard Vicar, to which he listened attentively and, as it seemed to me, with pleasure.When I had finished he said: "What! citizen, this is a part of a work now printing at Paris?" "Yes," answered I, "and it ought to be printed at the Louvre by order of the king." "I confess it," replied he;"but pray do not mention to anybody your having read to me this fragment."This striking manner of expressing himself surprised without alarming me.I knew Duclos was intimate with M.de Malesherbes, and I could not conceive how it was possible he should think so differently from him upon the same subject.
I had lived at Montmorency for the last four years without ever having had there one day of good health.Although the air is excellent, the water is bad, and this may possibly be one of the causes which contributed to increase my habitual complaints.Towards the end of the autumn of 1761, I fell quite ill, and passed the whole winter in suffering almost without intermission.The physical ill, augmented by a thousand inquietudes, rendered these terrible.For some time past my mind had been disturbed by melancholy forebodings, without my knowing to what these directly tended.I received anonymous letters of an extraordinary nature, and others, that were signed, much of the same import.I received one from a counselor of the parliament of Paris, who, dissatisfied with the present constitution of things, and foreseeing nothing but disagreeable events, consulted me upon the choice of an asylum at Geneva or in Switzerland, to retire this parliament, which was then at variance with the court, memoirs and remonstrances, and offering to furnish me with all the documents and materials necessary to that purpose.
When I suffer I am subject to ill humor.This was the case when Ireceived these letters, and my answers to them, in which I flatly refused everything that was asked of me, bore strong marks of the effect they had had upon my mind.I do not however reproach myself with this refusal, as the letters might be so many snares laid by my enemies,* and what was required of me was contrary to the principles from which I was less willing than ever to swerve.But having it in my power to refuse with politeness I did it with rudeness, and in this consists my error.
the Encyclopedists and the Holbachiens.