"Now that I have given myself wholly to you in thought, to whom else should I give myself?--to God.The eyes that you loved for a little while shall never look on another man's face; and may the glory of God blind them to all besides.I shall never hear human voices more since I heard yours--so gentle at the first, so terrible yesterday; for it seems to me that I am still only on the morrow of your vengeance.And now may the will of God consume me.Between His wrath and yours, my friend, there will be nothing left for me but a little space for tears and prayers.
"Perhaps you wonder why I write to you? Ah! do not think ill of me if I keep a gleam of hope, and give one last sigh to happy life before I take leave of it forever.I am in a hideous position.I feel all the inward serenity that comes when a great resolution has been taken, even while I hear the last growlings of the storm.When you went out on that terrible adventure which so drew me to you, Armand, you went from the desert to the oasis with a good guide to show you the way.Well, I am going out of the oasis into the desert, and you are a pitiless guide to me.
And yet you only, my friend, can understand how melancholy it is to look back for the last time on happiness--to you, and you only, I can make moan without a blush.If you grant my entreaty, I shall be happy; if you are inexorable, I shall expiate the wrong that I have done.After all, it is natural, is it not, that a woman should wish to live, invested with all noble feelings, in her friend's memory? Oh! my one and only love, let her to whom you gave life go down into the tomb in the belief that she is great in your eyes.Your harshness led me to reflect; and now that I love you so, it seems to me that I am less guilty than you think.Listen to my justification, I owe it to you; and you that are all the world to me, owe me at least a moment's justice.
"I have learned by my own anguish all that I made you suffer by my coquetry; but in those days I was utterly ignorant of love.
YOU know what the torture is, and you mete it out to me! During those first eight months that you gave me you never roused any feeling of love in me.Do you ask why this was so, my friend? Ican no more explain it than I can tell you why I love you now.
Oh! certainly it flattered my vanity that I should be the subject of your passionate talk, and receive those burning glances of yours; but you left me cold.No, I was not a woman; I had no conception of womanly devotion and happiness.Who was to blame?
You would have despised me, would you not, if I had given myself without the impulse of passion? Perhaps it is the highest height to which we can rise--to give all and receive no joy; perhaps there is no merit in yielding oneself to bliss that is foreseen and ardently desired.Alas, my friend, I can say this now; these thoughts came to me when I played with you; and you seemed to me so great even then that I would not have you owe the gift to pity----What is this that I have written?
"I have taken back all my letters; I am flinging them one by one on the fire; they are burning.You will never know what they confessed--all the love and the passion and the madness----"I will say no more, Armand; I will stop.I will not say another word of my feelings.If my prayers have not echoed from my soul through yours, I also, woman that I am, decline to owe your love to your pity.It is my wish to be loved, because you cannot choose but love me, or else to be left without mercy.If you refuse to read this letter, it shall be burnt.If, after you have read it, you do not come to me within three hours, to be henceforth forever my husband, the one man in the world for me;then I shall never blush to know that this letter is in your hands, the pride of my despair will protect my memory from all insult, and my end shall be worthy of my love.When you see me no more on earth, albeit I shall still be alive, you yourself will not think without a shudder of the woman who, in three hours' time, will live only to overwhelm you with her tenderness;a woman consumed by a hopeless love, and faithful--not to memories of past joys--but to a love that was slighted.
"The Duchesse de la Valliere wept for lost happiness and vanished power; but the Duchesse de Langeais will be happy that she may weep and be a power for you still.Yes, you will regret me.I see clearly that I was not of this world, and I thank you for ****** it clear to me.
"Farewell; you will never touch MY axe.Yours was the executioner's axe, mine is God's; yours kills, mine saves.Your love was but mortal, it could not endure disdain or ridicule;mine can endure all things without growing weaker, it will last eternally.Ah! I feel a sombre joy in crushing you that believe yourself so great; in humbling you with the calm, indulgent smile of one of the least among the angels that lie at the feet of God, for to them is given the right and the power to protect and watch over men in His name.You have but felt fleeting desires, while the poor nun will shed the light of her ceaseless and ardent prayer about you, she will shelter you all your life long beneath the wings of a love that has nothing of earth in it.
"I have a presentiment of your answer; our trysting place shall be--in heaven.Strength and weakness can both enter there, dear Armand; the strong and the weak are bound to suffer.This thought soothes the anguish of my final ordeal.So calm am Ithat I should fear that I had ceased to love you if I were not about to leave the world for your sake.
"ANTOINETTE."
"Dear Vidame," said the Duchess as they reached Montriveau's house, "do me the kindness to ask at the door whether he is at home." The Vidame, obedient after the manner of the eighteenth century to a woman's wish, got out, and came back to bring his cousin an affirmative answer that sent a shudder through her.
She grasped his hand tightly in hers, suffered him to kiss her on either cheek, and begged him to go at once.He must not watch her movements nor try to protect her."But the people passing in the street," he objected.