Well then, reflect what a noise is produced by your belly, which is but small.Shall not the air, which is boundless, produce these mighty claps of thunder?
STREPSIADES
And this is why the names are so much alike: crap and clap.But tell me this.Whence comes the lightning, the dazzling flame, which at times consumes the man it strikes, at others hardly singes him.Is it not plain, that Zeus is hurling it at the perjurers?
SOCRATES
Out upon the fool! the driveller! he still savours of the golden age! If Zeus strikes at the perjurers, why has he not blasted Simon, Cleonymus and Theorus? Of a surety, greater perjurers cannot exist.
No, he strikes his own temple, and Sunium, the promontory of Athens, and the towering oaks.Now, why should he do that? An oak is no perjurer.
STREPSIADES
I cannot tell, but it seems to me well argued.What is the lightning then?
SOCRATES
When a dry wind ascends to the Clouds and gets shut into them, it blows them out like a bladder; finally, being too confined, it bursts them, escapes with fierce violence and a roar to flash into flame by reason of its own impetuosity.
STREPSIADES
Ah, that's just what happened to me one day.It was at the feast of Zeus! I was cooking a sow's belly for my family and I had forgotten to slit it open.It swelled out and, suddenly bursting, discharged itself right into my eyes and burnt my face.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh, mortal, you who desire to instruct yourself in our great wisdom, the Athenians, the Greeks will envy you your good fortune.
Only you must have the memory and ardour for study, you must know how to stand the tests, hold your own, go forward without feeling fatigue, caring but little for food, abstaining from wine, gymnastic exercises and other similar follies, in fact, you must believe as every man of intellect should, that the greatest of all blessings is to live and think more clearly than the vulgar herd, to shine in the contests of words.
STREPSIADES
If it be a question of hardiness for labour, of spending whole nights at work, of living sparingly, of fighting my stomach and only eating chickpease, rest assured, I am as hard as an anvil.
SOCRATES
Henceforward, following our example, you will recognize no other gods but Chaos, the Clouds and the Tongue, these three alone.
STREPSIADES
I would not speak to the others, even if I met them in the street;not a single sacrifice, not a libation, not a grain of incense for them!
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Tell us boldly then what you want of us; you cannot fail to succeed.If you honour and revere us and if you are resolved to become a clever man.
STREPSIADES
Oh, sovereign goddesses, it is only a very small favour that I ask of you; grant that I may outdistance all the Greeks by a hundred stadia in the art of speaking.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
We grant you this, and henceforward no eloquence shall more often succeed with the people than your own.
STREPSIADES
May the gods shield me from possessing great eloquence! That's not what I want.I want to be able to turn bad law-suits to my own advantage and to slip through the fingers of my creditors.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
It shall be as you wish, for your ambitions are modest.Commit yourself fearlessly to our ministers, the sophists.
STREPSIADES
This I will do, for I trust in you.Moreover there is no drawing back, what with these cursed horses and this marriage, which has eaten up my vitals.(More and more volubly from here to the end of speeck)So let them do with me as they will; I yield my body to them.Come blows, come hunger, thirst, heat or cold, little matters it to me;they may flay me, if I only escape my debts, if only I win the reputation of being a bold rascal, a fine speaker, impudent, shameless, a braggart, and adept at stringing lies, an old stager at quibbles, a complete table of laws, a thorough rattle, a fox to slip through any hole; supple as a leathern strap, slippery as an eel, an artful fellow, a blusterer, a villain; a knave with a hundred faces, cunning, intolerable, a gluttonous dog.With such epithets do I seek to be greeted; on these terms they can treat me as they choose, and, if they wish, by Demeter! they can turn me into sausages and serve me up to the philosophers.
CHORUS (singing)
Here have we a bold and well-disposed pupil indeed.When we have taught you, your glory among the mortals will reach even to the skies.
STREPSIADES (singing)
Wherein will that profit me?
CHORUS (singing)
You will pass your whole life among us and will be the most envied of men.
STREPSIADES (singing)
Shall I really ever see such happiness?
CHORUS (singing)
Clients will be everlastingly besieging your door in crowds, burning to get at you, to explain their business to you and to consult you about their suits, which, in return for your ability, will bring you in great sums.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But, Socrates, begin the lessons you want to teach this old man;rouse his mind, try the strength of his intelligence.
SOCRATES
Come, tell me the kind of mind you have; it's important that Iknow this, that I may order my batteries against you in the right fashion.
STREPSIADES
Eh, what! in the name of the gods, are you purposing to assault me then?
SOCRATES
No.I only wish to ask you some questions.Have you any memory?
STREPSIADES
That depends: if anything is owed me, my memory is excellent, but if I owe, alas! I have none whatever.
SOCRATES
Have you a natural gift for speaking?
STREPSIADES
For speaking, no; for cheating, yes.
SOCRATES
How will you be able to learn then?
STREPSIADES
Very easily, have no fear.
SOCRATES
Thus, when I throw forth some philosophical thought anent things celestial., you will seize it in its very flight?
STREPSIADES
Then I am to snap up wisdom much as a dog snaps up a morsel?
SOCRATES (aside)
Oh! the ignoramus! the barbarian! (to STREPSIADES) I greatly fear, old man, it will be necessary for me to have recourse to blows.Now, let me hear what you do when you are beaten.
STREPSIADES
I receive the blow, then wait a moment, take my witnesses and finally summon my assailant at law.
SOCRATES
Come, take off your cloak.