书城外语英语PARTY——趣味拼盘
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第16章 Super Humour超级无厘头(4)

Robert Samsel在9.11事件后泰然自若地从一家时装设计公司下岗。“该公司的每一个员工都下了岗,”Samsel说,“无论是兼职人员,还是全职人员,无一人能逃避此厄运。”那时,这位22岁的年轻人很容易将这段痛苦经历归因于新手经常经历的那种困难。他两月前从波兰来到纽约,带着开设自己公司的梦想。但令人吃惊的事发生了:“我在任何地方都找不到时装设计工作,”他说,“因此,我干起了自由设计工作——全都是免费的。”

2002年9月,他的耐心以及银行存款都达到低点。“所以我在Zara找到一份零售工作,” Samsel说。“这还不是最可怕的一件事,因为,至少我有活可干。可是,在Zara遇到的最可怕的事是遇到从高级设计岗位上下岗的同事们。我简直无法相信这是真的。” 上个月,Samsel又从Zara下岗回家。“我心里有过预感,再次下岗迟早会来,”他说。“因为发生这么多的事情均对现在的零售业不利:经济很不景气,冬季十分寒冷,战争箭在弦上等等。整个气氛非常无情。”

Piotr Orlov应该算是纽约下岗一族人员中最称心的一个:自从9·11后从一家音乐公司——CMJ网络公司下岗以来,他就一直在为Fox 新闻台、俱乐部世界的免费杂志Flyer以及VH1做自由撰稿人。“相对来说,我有许多事可做,” Orlov说,“然而,不知为什么,我仍然感到手头缺钱。因为我要偿还抵押贷款。”

Orlov经常忙里偷闲思考着自己所选择的产业的未来命运。音乐行业面临最低点。“我不知道这些行业将来发展如何,”Orlov说。他对印刷业尚抱有几许希望:“未来总会有某种媒体业存在的,无论它是男人杂志,还是别的什么。”

Arye Dworken回到Virgin Mega商店,接到了MTV的电话。“别听CD碟片了,”声音命令道,“我们得5分钟内赶到MTV台。” Viacom的求职面试就不能等一等吗?“不是的,”Dworken局促不安地说,“是我MTV的朋友要我帮他把一些音乐安装到他的iPod上面。”我们在安检处等候Dworken的朋友。几分钟后,他从一个电梯出来,手上提着一台装在塑料袋里的iPod。“这星期你在做些什么?”他问道。“没做什么。”Dworken答道。

当我们朝自动扶梯走去时,Dworken含糊地说:“一个单位”。“你说什么?”“取这台iPod是一个单位,”他不耐烦地说,好像我就应该知道他在说什么似的。“你看过影片《关于一个男孩》吗?Nick Hornby在表演中让Hugh Grant把生命划分为若干单位,比如,剪一次头算一个单位。自从我下岗以来,我就把小差事划分为单位。因此,取这台iPod就等于挣了一个单位。”

我们的下一站是城中连环画店,地处第7大街和40号街。Dworken在我们到店经过收银台时忽地低下头。“太难堪了,”他悄悄告诉我说。“我想这儿每个人都认识我。” Dworken向我透露了一个秘密:我们到这儿不但替Spin杂志编辑Sarah挑选礼物,而且要查看这家商店今天新上柜哪些连环画册。这位下岗人还告诉我另一个秘密:他知道城里每家商店什么时候进货——Barnes & Noble书店,周一;Other Music,周二。“自从下岗以来,我每到一些地方就会有这种怪怪的焦虑与不安感,”他说,“所以,事先知道哪儿有什么,我就感觉好多了。”

回到第7大街,我们遇上了有利可图的买卖:一名非法商正在兜售新CD碟片。“哦,他手上有50美分的货,”Dworken兴奋地说,“这太好了。”他递给那个商人5美元。“在我住的街区,我可以卖到4美元,或是更低。”他沉思了一下,“你知道,有些人会说,现在买一盘碟片,即使非法制造的,也是一种奢侈。但是对我来说,它有点像吃了一顿价格不菲的午餐。这张碟片在商店里可卖到15美元,这么多钱足够好好吃一顿,所以,它就等于7美元买一张流行音乐唱片。”

此时,天渐渐黑下来,Dworken必须赶回城郊连夜工作:在Starbucks102号西街的工作室兼卧室里趴在他那台便携式电脑上撰写稿子。当我们朝地铁走去时,他对我大谈他的另一个理论:“这是Flaming Lips理论,”他说。他指的是1983年成立却在2002年才大获成功的极端高音摇滚乐队。“如果你忠实于你自己,并不断提高自己的艺术,那么10年或15年后一定会有人注意到你。”

Welcome to Our Bank

“I wish Central Bank would be robbed,” George Pickens said to himself. He had been making this wish daily from the time he had started work as a teller at the bank.

All over the country banks were being robbed, George thought sourly. Why not this bank? Were robbers scornful of its fourmilliondollar capital? Were they afraid of Mr. Ackerman, the old bank guard, who hadn,t pulled out his gun in twentytwo years?

Of course, George had a reason for wanting the bank to be robbed. After all, he couldn,t simply take the thick bundlesbundle n.捆, 束, 包 v.捆扎 of bills that were under his hands all day long. So he had thought of another way to get them. His plan was simple. It went like this:

If Bank Robber A holds up Bank Teller B...And if Bank Teller B gives Bank Robber A a certain amount of money...

What is to preventprevent v.防止, 预防 Bank Teller B from keeping all the money left and claiming that it was stolen by Bank Robber A?There was only one problem. Where was Bank Robber A?

One morning George entered the bank feeling something was about to happen.“Good morning,Mr. Burrows.” he said cheerfully. The bank president muttered something and went into his office.

At two o,clock Bank Robber A walked in. George knew he was a bank robber. For one thing, he slunk in. For another thing, he wore a mask.

“This is a holdup.” the man said roughly. He took a pistol from his pocket. The guard made a small sound.“You,”the bank robber said,“lie down on the floor.”Mr. Ackerman lay down. The robber stepped over to George,s cage.

“All right.” he said,“Hand it over.”

“Yes,sir,” said George,“Would you like it in tenortwentydollar bills?”

“Just hand it over!”

George reached into his cashboxcashbox n.钱箱, 金库 and took all the bills from the top section, close to six thousand dollars. He passed them through the window. The robber snatched them, stuffed them into his pocket, and turned to leave.

Then, while everyone watched Bank Robber A,Bank Teller B calmly lifted off the top section of the cashbox and slipped bills from the bottom section into his pockets.

The bank robber was gone. George fainted. When he woke he smiled up at the worried faces looking down at him.“I,m all right.” he said bravelybravely adv.勇敢地.

“Perhaps you should go home, George.”Mr. Bell, the chief auditor, said.

As soon as he was safely behind his bedroom door, George took the money from his pockets and counted it. He had seven thousand dollars. He was very happy.

The next morning when George arrived at the bank, it was not open for business. But everyone was there, helping to examine the bank,s records for the special audit Mr. Bell was taking.

George was called into Mr. Burrows,s office. The bank president seemed strangely cheerful.“George,” he said,“I want you to meet Mr. Carruthers, who used to be president of our bank.”

“Good morning, George.” said Mr. Carruthers.“I was sorry to hear you fainted yesterday. Are you all right now?”

“Yes, sir. Just fine, thanks.”

“I,m glad to hear it. That was quite an adventure. It just goes to show how easy it is to rob our bank.”

“Sir?”said George, confused.

“George, I was sorry to give you a hard time yesterday, but with all the banks being robbed these days I thought it would be a good idea to prove that our little bank can be robbed too. I have retired, but I haven,t stopped thinking. That,s why I played my little game yesterday, just to keep everybody on his toes.”

“I don,t understand.” said George.“What game?”

The old man laughed and whipped out a mask. He placed it over his face and said,“All right. Hand it over!”Mr. Burrows laughed but George did not.

“And the money?” George asked in a small voice.