“Oh， vote for me， my noble and intelligent electors， andsend our party into power， and the world shall be a new place，and there shall be no sin or sorrow any more！ And each freeand independent voter shall have a bran new Utopia madeon purpose for him， according to his own ideas， with a goodsized，extra-unpleasant purgatory attached， to which he cansend everybody he does not like. Oh！ do not miss this chance！”
Oh！ listen to my philosophy， it is the best and deepest. Oh！
hear my songs， they are the sweetest. Oh！ buy my pictures，they alone are true art. Oh！ read my books， they are the finest.
Oh！ I am the greatest cheesemonger， I am the greatestsoldier， I am the greatest statesman， I am the greatest poet， Iam the greatest showman， I am the greatest mountebank， I amthe greatest editor， and I am the greatest patriot. We are thegreatest nation. We are the only good people. Ours is the onlytrue religion. Bah！ how we all yell！
How we all brag and bounce， and beat the drum and shout；and nobody believes a word we utter； and the people ask oneanother， saying：
“How can we tell who is the greatest and the cleverestamong all these shrieking braggarts？”
And they answer：
“There is none great or clever. The great and clever menare not here； there is no place for them in this pandemoniumof charlatans and quacks. The men you see here are crowingcocks. We suppose the greatest and the best of them are theywho crow the loudest and the longest； that is the only test oftheir merits.”
Therefore， what is left for us to do， but to crow？ And thebest and greatest of us all， is he who crows the loudest and thelongest on this little dunghill that we call our world！
Well， I was going to tell you about our clock.
It was my wife’s idea， getting it， in the first instance. We hadbeen to dinner at the Buggles， and Buggles had just boughta clock—“picked it up in Essex，” was the way he describedthe transaction. Buggles is always going about “picking up”
things. He will stand before an old carved bedstead， weighingabout three tons， and say：
“Yes—pretty little thing！ I picked it up in Holland；” asthough he had found it by the roadside， and slipped it into hisumbrella when nobody was looking！
Buggles was rather full of this clock. It was of the good oldfashioned“grandfather” type. It stood eight feet high， in acarved-oak case， and had a deep， sonorous， solemn tick， thatmade a pleasant accompaniment to the after-dinner chat， andseemed to fill the room with an air of homely dignity.
We discussed the clock， and Buggles said how he loved thesound of its slow， grave tick； and how， when all the house wasstill， and he and it were sitting up alone together， it seemed likesome wise old friend talking to him， and telling him about theold days and the old ways of thought， and the old life and theold people.
The clock impressed my wife very much. She was verythoughtful all the way home， and， as we went upstairs to ourflat， she said， “Why could not we have a clock like that？” Shesaid it would seem like having some one in the house to takecare of us all—she should fancy it was looking after baby！
I have a man in Northamptonshire from whom I buy oldfurniture now and then， and to him I applied. He answered byreturn to say that he had got exactly the very thing I wanted.
（He always has. I am very lucky in this respect.） It was thequaintest and most old-fashioned clock he had come across fora long while， and he enclosed photograph and full particulars；should he send it up？
From the photograph and the particulars， it seemed， as hesaid， the very thing， and I told him， “Yes； send it up at once.”
Three days afterward， there came a knock at the door—therehad been other knocks at the door before this， of course； but Iam dealing merely with the history of the clock. The girl said acouple of men were outside， and wanted to see me， and I wentto them.
I found they were Pickford’s carriers， and glancing at theway-bill， I saw that it was my clock that they had brought， andI said， airily， “Oh， yes， it’s quite right； bring it up！”
They said they were very sorry， but that was just thedifficulty. They could not get it up.