With her hands in mine I held her tightly. Suddenly I felt something coming over me, a thing that stabbed my body with its quickness. It was as if the words her father had uttered were becoming clear to me. I had not realized before that there was such a love as he had spoken of. I had believed that men never loved women in the same way that a woman loved a man, but now I knew there could be no difference.
We sat silently, holding each other's hands for a long time. It was long past midnight, because the lights in the valley below were being turned out; but time did not matter.
Gretchen clung softly to me, looking up into my face and laying her cheek against my shoulder. She was as much mine as a woman ever belongs to a man, but I knew then that I could never force myself to take advantage of her love, and to go away knowing that I had not loved her as she loved me. I had not believed any such thing when I came. I had traveled all that distance to hold her in my arms for a few hours, and then to forget her, perhaps forever.
When it was time for us to go into the house, I got up and put my arms around her. She trembled when I touched her, but she clung to me as tightly as I held her, and the hammering of her heart drove into me, stroke after stroke, like an expanding wedge, the spears of her breasts.
"Richard, kiss me before you go," she said.
She ran to the door, holding it open for me. She picked up the lamp from the table and walked ahead up the stairs to the floor above.
At my door she waited until I could light her lamp, and then she handed me mine.
"Good night, Gretchen," I said.
"Good night, Richard."
I turned down the wick of her lamp to keep it from smoking, and then she went across the hall towards her room.
"I'll call you in the morning in time for you to catch your train, Richard."
"All right. Gretchcn. Don't let me oversleep, because it leaves the station at seven-thirty."
"I'll wake you in plenty of time, Richard," she said.
The door was closed after her, and I turned and went into my room. I shut the door and slowly began to undress. After I had blown out the lamp and had got into bed, lay tensely awake I knew I could never go to sleep, and I sat up in bed and smoked cigarette after cigarette, blowing the smoke through the screen of the window. The house was quiet. Occasionally, I thought I heard the sounds of muffled movements in Gretchen's room across the hall, but I was not certain.
I could not determine how long a time I had sat there on the edge of the bed, stiff and erect, thinking of Gretchen, when suddenly I found myself jumping to my feet. I opened the door and ran across the hall. Gretchen's door was closed, but I knew it would not be locked, and I turned the knob noiselessly. A slender shaft of light broke through the opening I had made. It was not necessary to open the door wider, because I saw Gretchen only a few steps away, almost within arm's reach of me. I closed my eyes lightly for a moment, thinking of her as I had all during the day's ride up from the coast.
Gretchen had not heard me open the door, and she did not know I was there. Her lamp was burning brightly on the table.
I had not expected to find her awake, and I had thought surely she would be in bed. She knelt on the rug beside her bed, her head bowed over her arms and her body shaken with sobs.
Gretchen's hair was lying over her shoulders, tied over the top of her head with a pale blue ribbon. Her nightgown was white silk, hemmed with a delicate lace, and around her neck the collar of lace was thrown open.
I knew how beautiful she was when I saw her then, even though I had always thought her lovely. I had never seen a girl so beautiful as Gretchen.
She had not heard me at her door, and she still did not know I was there. She knelt beside her bed, her hands clenched before her, crying.
When I had first opened the door, I did not know what I was about to do, but now that I had seen her in her room, kneeling in prayer beside her bed, unaware that I was looking upon her and hearing her words and sobs, I was certain that I could never care for anyone else as I did for her. I had not known until then, but in the revelation of a few seconds I knew that I did love her.
I closed the door softly and went back to my room. There I found a chair and placed it beside the window to wait for the coming of day. At the window I sat and looked down into the bottom of the valley where the warm river lay. As my eyes grew more accustomed to the darkness, I felt as if I were coming closer and closer to it, so close that I might have reached out and touched the warm water with my hands.
Later in the night, towards morning, I thought I heard someone in Gretchen's room moving softly over the floor as one who would go from window to window. Once I was certain I heard someone in the hall, close to my door.
When the sun rose over the top of the mountain, I got up and dressed. Later, I heard Gretchen leave her room and go downstairs. I knew she was hurrying to prepare breakfast for me before I left to get on the train. I waited a while, and after a quarter of an hour I heard her coming back up the stairs. She knocked softly on my door, calling my name several times.
I jerked open the door and faced her. She was so surprised at seeing me there, when she had expected to find me still asleep, that she could not say anything for a moment.
"Gretchen," I said, grasping her hands, "don't hurry to get me off—I'm not going back this morning—I don't know what was the matter with me last night—I know now that I love you—"
"Bat, Richard—last night you said—"
"I did say last night that I was going back early this morning, Gretchen, but I didn't know what I was talking about. I'm not going back now until you go with me. I'll tell you what I mean as Soon as breakfast is over. But first of all I wish. you would show me how to get down to the river. I have got to go down there right away and feel the water with my hands."
司机在吊桥旁边停了车，向我指了一下河对岸的房屋。从火车站到这里，大概两英里，于是我付给他两角五分钱便下车了。司机离开后，我感觉很孤单，此时，只有凄冷的夜晚和星星点点的灯光在山谷中闪烁，而脚下宽阔碧绿的河水则冒着热气在流淌。山峦向四周蜿蜒，恰如夜空中的乌云。只有眺望远方，才可以依稀看到落日暗μ的余晖。